The Thing About Poison

Here is an up-front disclaimer: This post is about pornography. It is directed specifically at women whose spouses have used or are currently involved with pornographic material, and it is written from an LDS-specific perspective that all pornography is detrimental to homes and societies, and morally unacceptable. There are other situations I could write about (people currently addicted to porn, men whose wives use porn, people who aren't married, etc) and there are many people, including some of my readers, who vehemently disagree with my fundamental beliefs regarding porn. I understand that we may not agree; all I ask is that comments remain respectful and considerate, or blank. On with the show.

I want to address some of what I consider to be current culture's greatest logical fallacies and outright lies, told to women who seek advice, devastated by their husbands' pornography use. The reason I feel the need to express my thoughts on this subject is that I hear the constant and deafening cry for celebration of diversity, and yet on this subject I see women who are struggling, tragically and brutally beaten into submission (most often by other women) and servitude to social norms with many of the following statements:

*"All men look at porn. If you find one who says he doesn't, he's a liar."

*"If you accommodate him more, he'll only do it when you're not around."

*"Maybe you should try watching it with him! You could learn a lot!"

*"It doesn't matter where he gets his appetite, as long as he comes home for dinner!"

*"I would never presume to tell my husband what he can and can't do- I'm not his mother."

*"I think you should question, deep down, why you're so uncomfortable with it. It probably means you're just insecure."

Have you heard them? I have. Far too many times. Aimed sometimes at people I love, sometimes at strangers, sometimes at people of whom I am less than fond. We are not allowed to be Not-Ok with porn. Each and every time these statements tear down a human being, I watch them crumble and I cringe. I want to catch their broken souls up as they fall to the ground and shake them and look them in the eye and SCREAM, "Don't believe this! Don't take it in! You don't have to accept this! Listen to me!!

And since I can't force anyone to listen, here are some rebuttals I'd like to make, if I could:

*Every man does not use pornography. Period. Whether a person who would say this to you believes porn is good or bad, it is a dismissive and subjugating view of mankind. There are men who believe, of their own accord, that pornography has no place in their lives and stick to that conviction wholeheartedly. This position also implies that because "they all do it," it's something we just have to accept. Well, doesn't that just take us back 100 years.

*Never let anyone tell you that if you were more available, he wouldn't have to turn to pornography to fill his needs. Not only is this psychologically unsound (pornography addiction has been found to be less about sex and more about filling some other emotional void), it places responsibility for his actions on your shoulders. Pornography use is a choice. He has the power to choose another alternative to express the emotions that lead him to it.

*Watching pornography with your husband as an attempt to reduce his pornography use is like taking up smoking in an effort to help him quit. Nobody wins. One of the most incredible promises a partnership can make is to give 100% of their sexual experiences to each other. To learn together, with no outside input.

*Don't excuse treatment that hurts you. Just don't do it. You have a right to be treated like a daughter of God. Like a person of infinite worth. He has the power to control his appetite, and you can empower him to do so.

*You're not his mother, you are his wife. He is your husband. You are the person to whom he committed himself and his fidelity. No other woman or man need be involved in your sexual relationship, and you are not unreasonable to expect that. You are not telling him what he can and cannot do by inviting him to reconsider his use of pornography: you are reminding him of his divine potential, his power over the natural man inside him, and his strength to overcome temptation. And you make an equal commitment in return.

*If you knew there was poison in your food, would you be comfortable eating it? If you knew there was a serial killer in your home, would you feel secure? There are things in this world about which it is rational to be uncomfortable and insecure. So go ahead, question deep down why you're not comfortable with porn. Is it insecurity? GOOD. Pornography is the most insidious poison. Don't ever let feelings of deep discomfort, a desire to protect yourself and your home, make you believe there is something wrong with you. Don't let anyone tell you you are wrong not to go invite the serial killer in your basement up to share a bowl of poisoned stew.

Finally, if you are struggling with this monster in your life, please know that your Heavenly Father loves you. He sees your pain. He counts your tears. You are not alone. Don't believe those lies of the adversary. Don't take them in. It is ok to not be ok with pornography. And it can get better. 

If you are in need of inspiration or support because of a loved one's pornography use, please visit  http://overcomingpornography.org. It is full of truly enlightened information and help.